....is a yeasty irish cake that we eat
around halloween. I'm a yeasty irish gal
..yeasty meaning: youthful; exuberant; ebullient.

11.01.2010

tin woman


Today it's been decided, but, I guess it always was there. I am a person void of emotion, feeling, need for others, and well a bunch of other horrible adjectives that describe my insane ability to detach and remain emotionally separated from the people i should love.

Do I have no heart?

No, not 100% true, but a good % higher than your usual norae bang score.

Val is leaving today, and as things go, I probably won't see her again... ever even maybe.. but for some reason, this does not bother me. This doesn't make me cry, or feel sad that I won't see one
of my good friends anymore in Korea, it doesn't phase me that I will miss her, her wonderful singing and guitar playing ways. Fall bike rides, eating tuna and other fun activities we do together will not take place anymore, but all my brain computes to my heart is "oh well, see ya later! have a good trip". How does this happen?! How does it not affect me in the least to see people go, one after another, basically completely out of my life (well crackbook keeps us all updated with each other doesn't it), and I don't give a shit.

I don't want to be like this, an emotionless shell, but honestly, it's like I've been evolved for living in a country where you meet people and after a year or two they flee. OR for living a life where the 5 members of my family live in 5 different countries and we don't see each other more than once every few years.

So I have no heart. But as i said before, no not true.

The problem I realize is this, that when I do meet people who I hold super dear and don't ever want to let go (ie a boy/girlfriend) I decide that they get to have the 98% of my heart not used on anyone else and then they have to suffer that excess amount of love.

Not a good system I say! Not a good system you echo! but that's how I roll, I don't want people to depend on me, so, in turn, I usually don't depend on others for much. Ohhhh the therapist in you is thinking now about my eggshell childhood and how this has molded me into who i am, and well you are right! I had to say "hello, goodbye" once every year or two to my dad, my brother, sister, mother etc etc etc. you just can't keep crying you know.


So here I am in Korea, a shell of a person, who somewhere deep down has so much love. I guess I do put it out there but in a different way.... I put into my smile, and love it in turn when it's contagious and people respond with toothy grins. I put it into my stride, the muffins i bake for hiking friends, texts i send out to wish a happy friday or a good monday... Into making people feel good, accepted and happy. I put it into my punch, that only the sand bag at boxing gets to feel the impact of.

maybe I'm just way to self involved.

I had my monthly bike ride from Bundang to Amsa today, a wonderful fall morning, the sun shining on my face as I rode and sang the 30 odd km back home. A perfect fall day to make you feel happy if you were feeling down from having your friends go home... or in my case to make you feel happy because you are alive.

I'm taking a million pictures along the ride to make a video about the ride (because everyone must be interested in the bike ride from bundang to amsa!) and this makes me laugh because all the bikers going to the other way are just wondering what on earth I'm doing... and they are also wondering what on earth I'm all about in my shorty shorts and tights and blue bow in my hair.



I'm taking a million pictures of this man sitting on a bench surrounded by yellow flowers on a brown fall day (because the light was so great and I really wanted to capture the moment, but then after uploading the photos they were nothing like I though they would be and instead I will have the perfect imagine of the man and the flowers, but only in my mind)



10.09.2010

osaka i remember thee well....







I've been going to Japan every year since I arrived in Korea and the most wonderful of wonderful things there are the bike lanes, and all the bikers! It makes me so happy to see them, to remember them and now to share them with you. I made this vdieo from a collection of photos shot in Osaka back in 2007.


10.06.2010

quitters never win

Welcome to day 32 of my new life. Come on in, take a seat but leave your booze, smokes and anything delicious to eat at the door.

32 days ago (that's nearly 5 weeks yo!) I decided I was done! Done with the hangovers, the smelly smokey clothing, the stupid beer belly that I have even though I don't drink beer (well, unless I'm already drunk and well... fuck..... then I'll drink anything that has alcohol in it).... the empty wallet after a night out that I DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER!

oh and there there is the guilt/shame feeling that I did something... I MUST have done something stupid, embarrassing, dangerous, or fucked up because well... I'm a crazy drunk! I'm not one to just have a few drinks and go home, no no no... not Andrea that's for sure!

During the past few years I have tried to reign in this behaviour, and I am a sight better than i used to be (cut to the movie about my life -scene 39 perhaps- where a younger drunk andrea is lost, crying and surrounded by a pack of boys), so I've definitely gown up some about my drinking habits, but not enough to the point where I haven't had to stop sending out my fair share of those "Sunday morning apology texts" ....

Drunk Andrea is FUN ANDREA and well... I like to have fun! and people tend to LOVE drunk Andrea... just watch her make a fool of herself maybe....

So cya later booze! well for now away, because, well quitters never win do they.... I plan to go 110 days without touching the devils poison. December 24th I will board a plane for Malaysia and once in my seat will order myself 10 gin and tonics...

So why quit drinking if I'm just going to start again? Well i think that after 110 days of abstinence I will hopefully realize something about my drinking habits - OK so I already KNOW a thing or two... but maybe I will able to ADMIT something about my drinking habits and REALLY realize what I am doing to my mind and body. And If i can do it, last 110 days, I really think that I will feel differently about drinking. I never NEVER though I could actually go this long (only 32 days!) but every day makes the next one a little easier and reaching my goal more important.

The worst part of my favourite activity is that it goes hand in hand with what just happens to be my second favourite activity, smoking. Wow doesn't that work out just perfect.

So now it's been 32 days without having a cigarette, which is crazier than 32 days without a jig of vodka. But somehow, and really REALLY i have no idea how, I haven't given in. Last sunday was actually the hardest, after hiking (which is the other only time I drink beer, because for some reason beer after hiking is THE BEST EVER) I really, really REALLY wanted a cigarette, I even though of buying a pack, having one and throwing the rest away, because then I would only have had 1 right... but I didn't do it, for some reason.

I really want this, this time.

So 32 days ago I decided I was finished with that life of debauchery and I went on a detox of sorts. I started taking some 한국 (Korean traditional medicine)which is made up of ginseng, tree bark and maybe dog shit (it tastes like dog shit that's for sure, not that I've ever eaten dog shit, but I used to own this big black lab and MY GOD sometimes when I had to bend over his droppings and poop n' scoop a big hot steaming.... ok wait, you get the picture...).

The 한국 also promotes weight loss, and you are not supposed to have any sugar, and defiantly not have any sugar coming from ALCOHOL! So, I thought, if I'm going to give up the devils poison, why not the cancer sticks too. Because dear readers remember, best friends need to stick together. so they can stick together - outta my life beatch!

So it's going super well in the sans booze et cigs department, and I have been sticking to the food regime more or less (less when i went to that wedding 2 weeks ago and there was an ice cream machine!!! like the one you get soft ice cream from, but hey you can control it YOURSELF!") and then there were the 3 days I spent in Busan during Chuseok (korean thanksgiving) where I was "on vacation" so I just ate whatever, but I still didn't drink/smoke!

And how do i feel.... My god I'm feeling pretty dang good! You know how bad you feel when you have a hangover, like that shitty, head pulsing, don't want to get out of bed soi'lljustlieherealldayandtheneatanentirepizzatomyself type of hangover? Well I basically feel 100% the opposite of that.

Now that is a good reason to go 110 days.

(it's too bad Marilyn makes it look so goooood)


10.02.2010

and back i come

what happens that drags me away from the world of blog and narrating in my head, what happens to me that it takes me nearly a full year before I want to actually talk about myself again (my favourite subject no less) in a blog style way, therefore what we should say the personal therapist way.

well i have no idea what happened, a million and one things, but nothing really... new hopes i have, new hobbies i enjoy, new legs i have acquired after an intensive going under surgery and now i am able to wear shorts and skirts for the first time in since... well i can remember... new friends, old friends I'm still loving... vacations had, new countries visited (Malaysia i loveeeee you!), boyfriends or boys should i say passed through the Andrea version of it's not going to work out dating regement...

If i hang out my window I can steal the Internet, so maybe lack of having the Internet since I've moved to Amsa Dong has led me to not posting.. but that's just crap. But here I am again, hanging out my window, with nakji the garbage cat trying to catch the bugs that fly by!

Maybe I'm just a lazy asshole...

I just checked the stats of this blog and it seems by FAR the most popular post i ever wrote (which was an incredibly crappy post too.. ) was the one about my GREY HAIR!!! so here is a picture that is going to be labeled by me

" THIS IS WHAT PREMATURE GREY HAIR LOOKS LIKE!!"


so as the hair on my head grows and grows (which hair tends to do) it looks more yellow, more and more blonde! I don't want to be a blonde! I love being the grey headed crazy that i am! So why this yellow? Pollution, yup Korea's got a bit of that and MORE, so maybe that is the reason.

Maybe the length of my hair creates an illusion of yellow.. ok what the heck am I talking about...

Maybe it's because i don't wash my hair too frequently... this is NOT gross you freaks who think you are the authority on clean hair and how you should shampoo it every freaking day.. so I only get around to using that blue shampoo invented for grannies once or twice a week.

What else should I ramble about now... how about my current obsessions since well, it's been awhile since I wrote about them.

Since FOOD is my favourite subject let's start with that.

ADZUKI BEANS!!!

here is a photo of Japanese artist Takao Sakai wearing Adzuki beans as a beard on his face. I love you bean beard face man. So being a vegetarian (well ok fine I EAT FISH i'm not actually a vegetarian am I?) we need beans! And being a person who doesn't eat certain meats (is that better for all you vegetarian police out there), korea can sometimes be a hard and expensive place for "people who choose to fill their bellies with legumes instead of pig". Adzuki beans are super cheap here and they are super versatile!!! making everything from sweat red bean pancakes with honey to potato, squash and adzuki bean stew! I really think the cabbage phase of my life maybe over... (no no no... cabbage i love you too, you and the precious adzuki beans can be best friends in my I'M GOING TO BE PRETTY GASSY TONIGHT diet....

current EXERCISE obsession #2

HIKING AND BOXING

who would win??

Hiking I'm thinking because I'm way better at hiking than boxing... but love em both... love hiking so much though that I started another blog about hiking (well when I get around to making posts I will have started a new blog about hiking....) how i lost my toenails so you can read all about that obsession over there..

ok this is a lot of post to digest since it's been nothing but dead air over here since last November.... and I could go on to list other obsessions ( Truman Capote, gmarket.com, superstar king2, face masks you sleep in, bad kpop, bad top 40... the list doesn't end does it....)




swan song