tin woman

Today it's been decided, but, I guess it always was there. I am a person void of emotion, feeling, need for others, and well a bunch of other horrible adjectives that describe my insane ability to detach and remain emotionally separated from the people i should love. Do I have no heart? No, not 100% true, but a good % higher than your usual norae bang score. Val is leaving today, and as things go, I probably won't see her again, ever even maybe. but for some reason, this does not bother me. This doesn't make me cry, or feel sad that I won't see one of my good friends anymore in Korea, it doesn't phase me that I will miss her, her wonderful singing and guitar playing ways. Fall bike rides, eating tuna and other fun activities we do together will not take place anymore, but all my brain computes to my heart is "oh well, see ya later! have a good trip". How does this happen?! How does it not affect me in the least to see people go, one after another, basically completely out of my life (well crackbook keeps us all updated with each other doesn't it), and I don't give a shit. I don't want to be like this, an emotionless shell, but honestly, it's like I've been evolved for living in a country where you meet people and after a year or two they flee. OR for living a life where the 5 members of my family live in 5 different countries and we don't see each other more than once every few years. So I have no heart. But as i said before, no not true. The problem I realize is this, that when I do meet people who I hold super dear and don't ever want to let go (ie a boy/girlfriend) I decide that they get to have the 98% of my heart not used on anyone else and then they have to suffer that excess amount of love. Not a good system I say! Not a good system you echo! but that's how I roll, I don't want people to depend on me, so, in turn, I usually don't depend on others for much. Ohhhh the therapist in you is thinking now about my eggshell childhood and how this has molded me into who i am, and well you are right! I had to say "hello, goodbye" once every year or two to my dad, my brother, sister, mother etc etc etc. you just can't keep crying you know. So here I am in Korea, a shell of a person, who somewhere deep down has so much love. I guess I do put it out there but in a different way. I put into my smile, and love it in turn when it's contagious and people respond with toothy grins. I put it into my stride, the muffins i bake for hiking friends, texts i send out to wish a happy friday or a good monday. Into making people feel good, accepted and happy. I put it into my punch, that only the sand bag at boxing gets to feel the impact of. maybe I'm just way to self involved. I had my monthly bike ride from Bundang to Amsa today, a wonderful fall morning, the sun shining on my face as I rode and sang the 30 odd km back home. A perfect fall day to make you feel happy if you were feeling down from having your friends go home. or in my case to make you feel happy because you are alive. I'm taking a million pictures along the ride to make a video about the ride (because everyone must be interested in the bike ride from bundang to amsa!) and this makes me laugh because all the bikers going to the other way are just wondering what on earth I'm doing. and they are also wondering what on earth I'm all about in my shorty shorts and tights and blue bow in my hair. I'm taking a million pictures of this man sitting on a bench surrounded by yellow flowers on a brown fall day (because the light was so great and I really wanted to capture the moment, but then after uploading the photos they were nothing like I though they would be and instead I will have the perfect imagine of the man and the flowers, but only in my mind)

datum

weekend away in Muuido. sandy feet, sun shine and leaving Bundang is always welcome and wanted. The weekend started too early though, with me meeting Korean Jenny and then western Jenny for drinks Wed and Thursday. Jason came down on Friday and a bunch of us went to eat 참치 (delicious raw tuna) and of course drink kettles of ohshipsayju. Jason and I talked at length about a big trip to Nepal and India come March or April - which leaves me quite clueless as to do come March when my contract is up and I'm free to go or stay and get another job. Now that I'm working hours that most would consider normal but I consider crazy, I'm leaning more towards going away after the contract is up because I know I'll be awfully burned out and dying for some backpacking anyway. When ever dearest Jason stays over, he makes me stay up way too late and drink too much! It's not his fault, I'm easily persuaded - but I always regret it the next day, especially when we have to get up early to go to Muuido. But we got up, and took the airport bus and then a bus to the ferry and then the ferry and then a bus to the beach. whew. thank god transit is AMAZING in Korea. Everything is connected here by buses or subways or trains, and if it's not you can always take a cab for next to nothing. loves it. We meet up with about 20 others and rented little huts on the beach. I love meeting people, but it makes me so sad because these people live so far away that I probably will never see them again. This has happened so many times, with the Chuncheon girls, and other people I've met while travelling. You know seoul isn't that far away , but when you meet someone who lives on the other side of Seoul and you live on the other side of the other side it sure doesn't make it easy to become close friends. We sit around a bonfire with 3 people on guitar and the rest of us singing Bob Marley to our hearts content. One of laura's friends brought her fire spinning thingies so we all got to spin fire (auntie debs you would have been proud!) The beach we went to was called Hanagae Beach and as nice as it was the swimming sucked. The tide went out, wayyyyyyyy out and it was just mud flats for what seemed like miles. Also when the tide was in, the water never went past our knees. But it was fantastical to just get out for the weekend. hoo!) there is still sand in my ears...

Bundang the great

eating sweet potatoes, cuz i aint sweet enough.

spring comes in and we take those cutie-pie kids to the park to learn how to plant flowers. not that we actually got to plant the flowers, no no, we just put them in pots and brought them back to the school. kind of funny, kind of korean. but hey a day out in the sun, well actually an hour, because that's all i have to work on Fridays.

This weekend was sun shine and sun smiles, and sometimes i grin so wide and of course because I'm the big white headed rainbow i am, people are always ALWAYS staring at me, but then the grin catches and they're grinning and I'm grinning even wider and laughing to myself. ok maybe i am going crazy. I feel different though, I don't know if India changed me or if i had to change once I came back and really really had to change, but I feel different, calmer, oh so much calmer. i can't even remember the last time i threw a pot at somebody's head (ok so that never happened, but boy could it have). India was all about learning how to relax because let's face it I'm pretty much a freak that can't sit still for any amount of time because there is too much to do and i don't have enough time to do it. why am i like that. terrified that if i don't do this or that or go here or there or stand on my head while reading a book and eating soup I'm going to collapse? I'm glad I'm maybe getting over it? and hey it only took 28 years or India or a heart break. chose your own adventure.
and i don't ever feel like I've eaten a bowl of glass for lunch or brunch or brinner. which unfortunately used to happen all the time. ohh life learning lessons my friends.

ok enough banter.

It was Cindy's wedding today. And here we are, so cute and whoah all wearing white like little angels, except for the woman of the day wearing her traditional hanbok (she did get married in a huge white wedding dress though, and there was this woman there, and her job was to fluff! fluff dresses, and wipe away tears with a q-tip. "what do you do?" "ohh i wipe away tears with a q-tip"). I miss working with these people SO much, that is the shitty thing about working at my new job, 6 pregnant women who don't talk to me and one western dude that doesn't really work at the same time as me. Korea weddings are pretty much like their western friends. people, dresses, pictures, posing and food. but the concept here is get in and get out. and then the loudspeaker came on "10 min till you have to leave". hahah. no wedding nori bangs here.




1. mascara stained pillows no longer exist in my world - I've decided.
2. I'm sorry i led everyone to believe i was coming home and ready to borrow couches and beds and hearts when I'm not. but you still love me!

3. Teri mcneil should come back to Korea, because i say so.