tin woman

Today it's been decided, but, I guess it always was there. I am a person void of emotion, feeling, need for others, and well a bunch of other horrible adjectives that describe my insane ability to detach and remain emotionally separated from the people i should love. Do I have no heart? No, not 100% true, but a good % higher than your usual norae bang score. Val is leaving today, and as things go, I probably won't see her again, ever even maybe. but for some reason, this does not bother me. This doesn't make me cry, or feel sad that I won't see one of my good friends anymore in Korea, it doesn't phase me that I will miss her, her wonderful singing and guitar playing ways. Fall bike rides, eating tuna and other fun activities we do together will not take place anymore, but all my brain computes to my heart is "oh well, see ya later! have a good trip". How does this happen?! How does it not affect me in the least to see people go, one after another, basically completely out of my life (well crackbook keeps us all updated with each other doesn't it), and I don't give a shit. I don't want to be like this, an emotionless shell, but honestly, it's like I've been evolved for living in a country where you meet people and after a year or two they flee. OR for living a life where the 5 members of my family live in 5 different countries and we don't see each other more than once every few years. So I have no heart. But as i said before, no not true. The problem I realize is this, that when I do meet people who I hold super dear and don't ever want to let go (ie a boy/girlfriend) I decide that they get to have the 98% of my heart not used on anyone else and then they have to suffer that excess amount of love. Not a good system I say! Not a good system you echo! but that's how I roll, I don't want people to depend on me, so, in turn, I usually don't depend on others for much. Ohhhh the therapist in you is thinking now about my eggshell childhood and how this has molded me into who i am, and well you are right! I had to say "hello, goodbye" once every year or two to my dad, my brother, sister, mother etc etc etc. you just can't keep crying you know. So here I am in Korea, a shell of a person, who somewhere deep down has so much love. I guess I do put it out there but in a different way. I put into my smile, and love it in turn when it's contagious and people respond with toothy grins. I put it into my stride, the muffins i bake for hiking friends, texts i send out to wish a happy friday or a good monday. Into making people feel good, accepted and happy. I put it into my punch, that only the sand bag at boxing gets to feel the impact of. maybe I'm just way to self involved. I had my monthly bike ride from Bundang to Amsa today, a wonderful fall morning, the sun shining on my face as I rode and sang the 30 odd km back home. A perfect fall day to make you feel happy if you were feeling down from having your friends go home. or in my case to make you feel happy because you are alive. I'm taking a million pictures along the ride to make a video about the ride (because everyone must be interested in the bike ride from bundang to amsa!) and this makes me laugh because all the bikers going to the other way are just wondering what on earth I'm doing. and they are also wondering what on earth I'm all about in my shorty shorts and tights and blue bow in my hair. I'm taking a million pictures of this man sitting on a bench surrounded by yellow flowers on a brown fall day (because the light was so great and I really wanted to capture the moment, but then after uploading the photos they were nothing like I though they would be and instead I will have the perfect imagine of the man and the flowers, but only in my mind)

quitters never win

Welcome to day 32 of my new life. Come on in, take a seat but leave your booze, smokes and anything delicious to eat at the door. 32 days ago (that's nearly 5 weeks yo!) I decided I was done! Done with the hangovers, the smelly smokey clothing, the stupid beer belly that I have even though I don't drink beer (well, unless I'm already drunk and well fuck then I'll drink anything that has alcohol in it). the empty wallet after a night out that I DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER! oh and there there is the guilt/shame feeling that I did something, I MUST have done something stupid, embarrassing, dangerous, or fucked up because well, I'm a crazy drunk! I'm not one to just have a few drinks and go home, no no no, not Andrea that's for sure! During the past few years I have tried to reign in this behaviour, and I am a sight better than i used to be (cut to the movie about my life -scene 39 perhaps- where a younger drunk andrea is lost, crying and surrounded by a pack of boys), so I've definitely gown up some about my drinking habits, but not enough to the point where I haven't had to stop sending out my fair share of those "Sunday morning apology texts" Drunk Andrea is FUN ANDREA and well I like to have fun! and people tend to LOVE drunk Andrea just watch her make a fool of herself maybe. So cya later booze! well for now away, because, well quitters never win do they. I plan to go 110 days without touching the devils poison. December 24th I will board a plane for Malaysia and once in my seat will order myself 10 gin and tonics. So why quit drinking if I'm just going to start again? Well i think that after 110 days of abstinence I will hopefully realize something about my drinking habits - OK so I already KNOW a thing or two. but maybe I will able to ADMIT something about my drinking habits and REALLY realize what I am doing to my mind and body. And If i can do it, last 110 days, I really think that I will feel differently about drinking. I never NEVER though I could actually go this long (only 32 days!) but every day makes the next one a little easier and reaching my goal more important. The worst part of my favourite activity is that it goes hand in hand with what just happens to be my second favourite activity, smoking. Wow doesn't that work out just perfect. So now it's been 32 days without having a cigarette, which is crazier than 32 days without a jig of vodka. But somehow, and really REALLY i have no idea how, I haven't given in. Last sunday was actually the hardest, after hiking (which is the other only time I drink beer, because for some reason beer after hiking is THE BEST EVER) I really, really REALLY wanted a cigarette, I even though of buying a pack, having one and throwing the rest away, because then I would only have had 1 right? but I didn't do it. I really want this, this time. So 32 days ago I decided I was finished with that life of debauchery and I went on a detox of sorts. I started taking some 한국 (Korean traditional medicine)which is made up of ginseng, tree bark and maybe dog shit (it tastes like dog shit that's for sure, not that I've ever eaten dog shit, but I used to own this big black lab and MY GOD sometimes when I had to bend over his droppings and poop n' scoop a big hot steaming - ok wait, you get the picture). The 한국 also promotes weight loss, and you are not supposed to have any sugar, and defiantly not have any sugar coming from ALCOHOL! So, I thought, if I'm going to give up the devils poison, why not the cancer sticks too. Because dear readers remember, best friends need to stick together. so they can stick together - outta my life beatch! So it's going super well in the sans booze et cigs department, and I have been sticking to the food regime more or less (less when i went to that wedding 2 weeks ago and there was an ice cream machine!!! like the one you get soft ice cream from, but hey you can control it YOURSELF!) and then there were the 3 days I spent in Busan during Chuseok (korean thanksgiving) where I was "on vacation" so I just ate whatever, but I still didn't drink/smoke! And how do i feel? My god I'm feeling pretty dang good! You know how bad you feel when you have a hangover, like that shitty, head pulsing, don't want to get out of bed soi'lljustlieherealldayandtheneatanentirepizzatomyself type of hangover? Well I basically feel 100% the opposite of that. Now that is a good reason to go 110 days.

(it's too bad Marilyn makes it look so goooood)

and back i come

what happens that drags me away from the world of blog and narrating in my head, what happens to me that it takes me nearly a full year before I want to actually talk about myself again (my favourite subject no less) in a blog style way, therefore what we should say the personal therapist way. well i have no idea what happened, a million and one things, but nothing really. new hopes i have, new hobbies i enjoy, new legs i have acquired after an intensive going under surgery and now i am able to wear shorts and skirts for the first time in since, well i can remember. new friends, old friends I'm still loving. vacations had, new countries visited (Malaysia i loveeeee you!), boyfriends or boys should i say passed through the Andrea version of it's not going to work out dating regement... If i hang out my window I can steal the Internet, so maybe lack of having the Internet since I've moved to Amsa Dong has led me to not posting. but that's just crap. But here I am again, hanging out my window, with nakji the garbage cat trying to catch the bugs that fly by! Maybe I'm just a lazy asshole? I just checked the stats of this blog and it seems by FAR the most popular post i ever wrote (which was an incredibly crappy post too.. ) was the one about my GREY HAIR!!! so here is a picture that is going to be labeled by me

" THIS IS WHAT PREMATURE GREY HAIR LOOKS LIKE!!"

so as the hair on my head grows and grows (which hair tends to do) it looks more yellow, more and more blonde! I don't want to be a blonde! I love being the grey headed crazy that i am! So why this yellow? Pollution, yup Korea's got a bit of that and MORE, so maybe that is the reason? Maybe the length of my hair creates an illusion of yellow? ok what the heck am I talking about. Maybe it's because i don't wash my hair too frequently, this is NOT gross you freaks who think you are the authority on clean hair and how you should shampoo it every freaking day. so I only get around to using that blue shampoo invented for grannies once a week. What else should I ramble about now? how about my current obsessions since well, it's been awhile since I wrote about them. Since FOOD is my favourite subject let's start with that.

ADZUKI BEANS!!!

here is a photo of Japanese artist Takao Sakai wearing Adzuki beans as a beard on his face. I love you bean beard face man. So being a vegetarian (well ok fine I EAT FISH i'm not actually a vegetarian am I?) we need beans! And being a person who doesn't eat certain meats (is that better for all you vegetarian police out there), korea can sometimes be a hard and expensive place for "people who choose to fill their bellies with legumes instead of pig". Adzuki beans are super cheap here and they are super versatile making everything from sweat red bean pancakes with honey to potato, squash and adzuki bean stew! I really think the cabbage phase of my life maybe over (no no cabbage i love you too, you and the precious adzuki beans can be best friends in my I'M GOING TO BE PRETTY GASSY TONIGHT diet.... current EXERCISE obsession #2

HIKING AND BOXING

who would win??

Hiking I'm thinking because I'm way better at hiking than boxing, but i love em both. love hiking so much though that I started another blog about hiking (well when I get around to making posts I will have started a new blog about hiking) how i lost my toenails so you can read all about that obsession over there.. ok this is a lot of post to digest since it's been nothing but dead air over here since last November? and I could go on to list other obsessions ( Truman Capote, gmarket.com, superstar king2, face masks you sleep in, bad kpop, bad top 40!! the list doesn't end does it) swan song

and the sun breaks through

it's been a not so nice weekend, full of gloomy clouds and gray skies. but suddenly after a huge amount of rain this morning the sun just burst through showering me and my little apartment in golden rays. wonderful. I didn't do much this weekend, I think my lack of drinking is alienating me from my friends because, well, all we do is drink and since, i no longer drink as much, i don't see them as much. I have mixed feelings about this, it's not fun to go out to the bar and not get loaded, i 'm not able to handle that yet, so I just don't go out to the bar or I go for a short time and leave. I hate the fact that I'm really not having as much fun, because come on, getting drunk with your friends having good times, dancing your pants off and ending up at norae bang screaming your lungs out is what i call a good time. But here's what I love: I'm loving the wake up early without a hangover feeling, and I especially love the feeling of what not smoking 2 packs of cigarettes and drinking a bottle of gin does for my body. and this is also all tied to me trying to loose weight - because i can drink my daily allowance of calories in gin, in urm... about an hour. I love the fact that I'm not waking up with some random person beside me in my bed, because let's face it, alcohol and me being crazy has led me to making a few mistakes. I love not spending all my money on booze and instead saving it for gmarket haha. I'm definitely a fan of being able to go to the gym on Saturday morning instead of just lying hung over in my bed all day. so what to do? I'm not able to do things in moderation, which sucks, but it's true. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I watched the sun set the other day from the top of the mountain in our park. I haven't seen the sun set in ages, and right now I'm looking out the window for a rainbow, sun bursting through after the rain equals a rainbow right? well too bad for me, there's nothing but clouds in the sky. here are some fall in Korea pictures ^^

fall down

my week off has been spent doing much of nothing, lazing around, cleaning, organizing and antagonizing my crazy street cat. but I did however decide that i would take this week to visit every doctor possible. Korea has a really good cheap medical system that works well, if you have insurance. Most teachers here do have insurance which we usually pay about 40 bucks a month for and your employer pays the other half. and boy let me tell ya, there are a lot of doctors here! Koreans go to the doctor for EVERYTHING, a sniffle, a cold, vagina rejuvenation etc. and paying for prescriptions (as long as it's covered by insurance) is next to nothing (i love my 5 bux bag of xanax.) So Monday was dermatologist day. I'm actually getting laser hair removal done on some special places of my body (ok fine since you asked, my armpits and my vjj) and this costs next to nothing compared to how much it would cost at home. Tuesday i went to see my obgyn to get a pap which is NOT covered by insurance here - ummm retardo!? Wednesday was dentist day, the dentist and I certainly have a killer memorable relationship, my mouth is full of fillings (thank god they are white or i would be embarrassed to open my mouth) and I've had 2 root canals. after the exam the dentist looks at me and asks, "so do you have insurance?" never something you want to hear after your dentist pokes around your mouth with that cold scrapey thingie. gritting my rotting teeth i say "yes" and ask "why?". well low and behold one of my root canals isn't properly done and is causing inflammation (and yes some pain, but they pain isn't always there so really i can deal with it so let's not talk about this horrible idea of REDOING my root canal), well I nearly burst into tears. but then she takes about 5 more xrays and taps my tooth a million times and sticks some ice stick on it and my gums, and then decides that the procedure would be really expensive, has a high failure rate and maybe since my tooth doesn't really hurt right now, we can wait and see. YES, i love this wait and see attitude. don't try to fix it until my name is gummy. I then convinced her that she AND her 4 year old daughter should get some English lessons from me. and i got some gum work done as service! ohh service, it's the Korean word for when you get something for free when you buy something. like sometimes you buy a bag of oranges and the fruit guy will throw in a rotten apple as service. or if you buy something really expensive (like a 300 dollar tent) they will throw in something that cost a dollar (we got a pair of socks i think) for service.

here is a picture of all the meds i was on for my not-swine-flu-flu last week. Oh and my domo-kun slipper.

street invasiveness

how am i just finding out about google street view now! whatever, I've just wasted 2 hours researched google street view for a good 2 hours. and you can find pictures of places you know which feels nice. and sometimes there are people without heads or funny signs

95 Harrison St.

I used to live above this abc variety store (wow my future as an ESL teacher was totally chosen for me when I moved into this place) That's my old bedroom window on the left, good times were had at this place, (wait I don't mean that in the hey there's my bedroom window, good times, nudge nudge way) family dinner was invented here, I finally finished university when I lived here and I only had one bike stolen from this place. I lived with a guy named Adam Pearson here above the abc, he smelled like pencil crayon sharpenings and boy. Adam liked to collect everything under the sun and attach it somehow to his walls. He also always did all my dishes (and well, all the dishes of my extended family who would could over once a week to be fed) and never ate my food. All in all he was probably one of the best room mates I ever had. One of my most remembered memories about Adam is this one time (at abc camp) we got really really high and watched pet cemetery and totally scared the shit out of ourselves. We had to leave all the lights on when we went to bed. Adam dated this crazy girl who woke me up at 4 in the morning one time, she was screaming and pounding on the door. I didn't like her so much AND she borrowed and lost this awesome black 1920's style had of mine that I had found at the value village for like a dollar. hate her.

My market bakery

I worked at this bakery (cleverly named "my market bakery") in Kensington Market for about 2 years. This was the last place I worked before starting my new exciting career as a babysitter in south korea. This bakery is pretty popular in the market, but not nearly as popular as the cheese store next store that my boss also owned. the cheese store being insanely popular for all the hot cheese boys who worked there. glad i never dated any of them. oh wait i did. I gained a few pounds to say the least working at this bread and brownie filled emporium. I really enjoyed working here, my co-workers were also as bitter and hateful of customers (especially those suburban yuppies who lined up for hours on the weekend) as I was, so we always got along famously. Elle magazine also approached my boss to do an interview about me working here, but I was gone to Korea before I even knew about it. too sad, i would have been totally famous.

The Royal

The Royal was most favourite place of employment ever. We totally used to use the fountain machine pop to mix our bevies (when we weren't on duty of course) My boss was this guy named Tim whom I loved and adored, he was this rail thin guy who was kind of sad and broken like the theater, but he always wanted to make things better and could out-eat anyone in an all-you-can-eat sushi competition (thank god there were at least 10 all you can eat sushi places right across the street). The theater is beautiful on the inside (yes this picture does not show it justice!). It is a one screen theater all in art deco style and it has comfy reclining chairs. And it's totally awesome playing playstation on the big screen. Sometime in 2006 the owner (who had bought the theater in the 70's i think when the city was going to turn it into a parking lot) died, his kids took over and decided that this toronto historical landmark didn't deserve a chance and they sold it as soon as they could. leaving us all out of a job as well - thanks guys! But the community came together and got it deemed a historical building so they couldn't sell it to the condo developers and a post production film company bought it and kept it going. See there are happy endings.

the infamous 437 Bathurst

This is the last house I lived at before moving to kimchi land. The house of 437 was an over the top explosion of love and debauchery, a yard full of squash and tomatoes and halls full of cats and craziness. I loved living here with the 5 others who knew how to have a drunk kitchen dance party any time of the day. I could write many stories about us but I'm out of time now so you will just have to wait.

Strathclyde Residence

So i can't exactly find my old place of residence in Glasgow on google street view, but it had to be around here somewhere.

spin your brains out

It's Monday! I'm feeling better (pleaseeeeeee no swiney relapse this week for the love of g-d) and I went back to the gym this morning. The gym has become a more serious obsession as of late . A few reasons for this but the main reason being that I'm single and I have all this time on my hands that I choose to spend sweating my little butt off - and yes, i do have a little butt, (stacey stands behind me in boxing class and that other class were we have to do a million jumping jack thingies off of the step box, and she always tells me what a small butt i have but really now, compared to the pocket-sized butts of the korean ladies I don't feel like I have a small butt at all) urm.. where was I.. oh little butt, gym... YES ok.. Anyway, so I spend a lot of time at the gym, which suits me just fine since I actually love going there and it makes me feel great. So this morning after waking up (before my alarm as usual... why do i even turn that thing on?) I went to my favouritest spinning class and felt a million times better, goodbye feelings of crappyness from lying in bed for an entire week - they should have gym therapy or something. a shrink/trainer combo or something. amazing. my new future job. i will train you and listen to all your crappy life stories and fix your life. Because of swine flu mania I don't have any classes this week. I'm pretty sure most public schools are closing down for 2 weeks or something like that, but our school has decided to stay open and just have shortened days. Yes, sending the children to school for a shorter period of time means that they won't get / give the swine flu because they aren't there as long. hrm... let's see if this works as well as the last plan they had, don't close down at all when 12 kids are infected. But I teach the after school program, the program that has some logic and decides that when the teacher is infected not to have any classes. Except i don't get paid for the week... Ohhhhhhhhhh there is always a catch isn't there. I've decided to bite the bullet and not fight this because 1. i love my job and 2. i love the company i work for (which actually owns wonderland THE worst hogwan franchise in korea) and 3. I want to resign with them and I plan on asking for a lot when I do so. This blog is amazing http://missedconnectionsny.blogspot.com/ . This blogger extraordinaire has created these wonderful pictures representing someones missed connection message. And I'm not going to write about my longing for a missed connection about me (cuz we totally know there have already been DOZENS) I want to make up a milliondy missed connections of amazingness and hopefully one gets turned into a beautiful pastel pictorial of sensational-ness.

i was sleeping on the train and you waved at me when i woke up - m4w - 22 (suwon/osan)

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Date: 2009-10-25, 9:46PM KT

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i was sleeping on the 1 train back from seoul, and as the train pulled into suwon station sometime after 8:00PM i woke up, and you waved at me, and smiled. i waved back, and then you got off the train, and as you were walking away you waved at me through the window. I've never seen anyone do that before today (wave at me, a stranger, in a black tshirt, jeans, and I had a bunch of stuff with me ). you were so pretty. i wish i hadn't slept all that way, and had been able to talk to you or meet you somehow. please, get in touch with me? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fin.