tin woman

Today it's been decided, but, I guess it always was there. I am a person void of emotion, feeling, need for others, and well a bunch of other horrible adjectives that describe my insane ability to detach and remain emotionally separated from the people i should love. Do I have no heart? No, not 100% true, but a good % higher than your usual norae bang score. Val is leaving today, and as things go, I probably won't see her again, ever even maybe. but for some reason, this does not bother me. This doesn't make me cry, or feel sad that I won't see one of my good friends anymore in Korea, it doesn't phase me that I will miss her, her wonderful singing and guitar playing ways. Fall bike rides, eating tuna and other fun activities we do together will not take place anymore, but all my brain computes to my heart is "oh well, see ya later! have a good trip". How does this happen?! How does it not affect me in the least to see people go, one after another, basically completely out of my life (well crackbook keeps us all updated with each other doesn't it), and I don't give a shit. I don't want to be like this, an emotionless shell, but honestly, it's like I've been evolved for living in a country where you meet people and after a year or two they flee. OR for living a life where the 5 members of my family live in 5 different countries and we don't see each other more than once every few years. So I have no heart. But as i said before, no not true. The problem I realize is this, that when I do meet people who I hold super dear and don't ever want to let go (ie a boy/girlfriend) I decide that they get to have the 98% of my heart not used on anyone else and then they have to suffer that excess amount of love. Not a good system I say! Not a good system you echo! but that's how I roll, I don't want people to depend on me, so, in turn, I usually don't depend on others for much. Ohhhh the therapist in you is thinking now about my eggshell childhood and how this has molded me into who i am, and well you are right! I had to say "hello, goodbye" once every year or two to my dad, my brother, sister, mother etc etc etc. you just can't keep crying you know. So here I am in Korea, a shell of a person, who somewhere deep down has so much love. I guess I do put it out there but in a different way. I put into my smile, and love it in turn when it's contagious and people respond with toothy grins. I put it into my stride, the muffins i bake for hiking friends, texts i send out to wish a happy friday or a good monday. Into making people feel good, accepted and happy. I put it into my punch, that only the sand bag at boxing gets to feel the impact of. maybe I'm just way to self involved. I had my monthly bike ride from Bundang to Amsa today, a wonderful fall morning, the sun shining on my face as I rode and sang the 30 odd km back home. A perfect fall day to make you feel happy if you were feeling down from having your friends go home. or in my case to make you feel happy because you are alive. I'm taking a million pictures along the ride to make a video about the ride (because everyone must be interested in the bike ride from bundang to amsa!) and this makes me laugh because all the bikers going to the other way are just wondering what on earth I'm doing. and they are also wondering what on earth I'm all about in my shorty shorts and tights and blue bow in my hair. I'm taking a million pictures of this man sitting on a bench surrounded by yellow flowers on a brown fall day (because the light was so great and I really wanted to capture the moment, but then after uploading the photos they were nothing like I though they would be and instead I will have the perfect imagine of the man and the flowers, but only in my mind)