....is a yeasty irish cake that we eat
around halloween. I'm a yeasty irish gal
..yeasty meaning: youthful; exuberant; ebullient.

5.06.2008

oh no oh dear

I'm feeling slightly worthless. set off by my uselessness. less ness use.

Judith (my buddy from India) was in Myanmar with her son and just got out yesterday. The letter she had sent me last week spoke of the struggle of the people living there, and this was before the shit hit the fan. And now the shit has hit the fan, the decrepit fan, the falling apart fan where there are bad sparks when you plug it in and there's not even enough motion to create a wind to send those ribbons attached to the cage flying. i can't imagine or understand the struggle of those people and this was before the cyclone.

Oh no, here we go - i feel worthless and existentialism is telling me to go and do something significant and give some meaning to my life. aim, design, end goal, intent, mark, pint, purpose, target, view. WHY.

I'm feeling guilty because i cried over stupid king kong when he died in that stupid movie that cost a milliondy dollars to make. I feel guilty because i want to buy new shoes. I feel guilty because i want to help people for my own selfish reasons. but doesn't everybody? mother Theresa was totally doing it for her own reasons (all those hot indian men! I'm going to get struck down for that one)

I sound 19.

time to stop being 19 and figure out a solution. that's being at least 21. but my problem is that i don't want to spend time inside of myself. I don't know how. that's why i love distraction. give me a good ol' distraction any day. so, how do people self-reflect and move on and change and all that shat? make decisions about life. figure it out. or do they just get drunk or fall on their head and suddenly "get it".

probably not. cuz..well i would have REALLY gotten it by now...wouldn't i....

anyway, this disaster will fade and the flowers on my windowsill will die and i will feel this way time and time again (unless i just get up now and run away! yippee!!!!!).

this here is a distraction for both you and me. me and you. and you and me.

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